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high_on_ativan
yeah, i know... it's been awhile since i've written here, right? well, i will write here whenever i want, and frankly you can't stop me. haha.

i have a quiz that i have to complete by 5 pm tomorrow (saturday evening) and two midterms next week. i'm kinda (okay, really) freaking out here. the psychology test is going to be especially bad. all those multiple choice and not enough terminology sticking to my brain. i think... note the word think... that sociology should be better. we're getting a 'free' review class for that, at least. haha. i should make her a paper hat and put a paper tip in it, just for a joke. she'd understand. and possibly laugh. and it would possibly be funny in a not lame way. then again, shouldn't i just make a great first impression (not that i've made one yet, what with missing five classes in a row) by doing a kickass midterm? yes. yes i should. if only...

eating disorder stuff is... well, going. somehow. i manage to eat enough not to be cold most of the time -- but i can't even claim that this is true yet for all the time. if only. i wouldn't be here typing with cold fingers and cold feet right now. at least my torso seems to be heating itself okay, at least for the moment... but i suspect i will have to go eat more, yet again, before i go to bed :/. eating is so annoying. honestly, it just is. i'm not even hungry physically -- i don't want the damned food -- but i have to eat it because i get cold. i mean, wtf? how fucking retarded is that? i hate it. it makes me want to eat less. but then the symptoms get worse, so i'm forced into eating yet again... then i feel better, and don't want to eat... rinse and repeat, over and over. ugh. somebody just needs to stick an automatic feeder to me or something. at specific times of the day it would put the right nutrients into my belly and i would digest them. no conscious thought involved, no nothing. no worrying about the fat contents of my food or how many calories i'm eating or whether today my potassium or calcium or vitamin A or folate or other nutrient is too low. just... what i need to keep me alive and physically well, and not any bigger than i am now. i wish that was even close to possible. :|

sometimes i wonder if i wouldn't be better off going to the hospital to help restore myself from this malnutritioned state. but, really, i can just talk to the doctor about it on wednesday morning when i go -- the eating problems i mean. and mention that physical symptoms are happening, etc. i don't know what she will do about it, exactly, but i'm not gonna know until i walk in, am i? i just wish i wasn't afraid of what might happen. i do know that i will NOT let anyone put me in a hospital. (which completely contradicts my last statement, i know.) at least not now. please, god, not now. i really want to try and finish these courses, and i can't do that from a hospital bed. plus, chris is still in there... i don't want to be in there for an eating disorder at the same time that he's there for anorexia. it would just be too awkward. i dunno.

okay. i'm finishing this now. i'm tired and rambly and blah. tomorrow: mall with a friend. sunday will be a movie with another friend. see, girl? you do have things to look forward to. things that you won't be able to fully enjoy if you don't eat (you won't be able to concentrate, and you'll feel depressed). so eat, if for no other reason than that you'll be able to enjoy the company of your friends this weekend. please?

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where i am: my room
i'm feeling: cold cold
my current organization of sounds: celine dion - the power of love

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high_on_ativan
i slept for 15 hours last night. then, as if that wasn't enough, several hours later i ended up taking another two- or three-hour nap. i awoke from that one feeling quite refreshed, though, so it's all good. in any case, i don't mind sleeping my day away. it's better than spending it awake, bored and thinking and eating too much. :/

i am getting discharge similar to that which i would get about a week before the start of my period. my issue with this? i just HAD a period. i'm not supposed to be getting another one AGAIN! grr at stupid bodies.

i may go in for a full physical with my doctor soon. i've been getting more consistent ed symptoms lately, so i want to know exactly what's wrong with my body this time -- no guesswork, or general eating in hopes that i'll strike the mineral/vitamin/calorie-type i'm deficient in. (it's probably most of them at this point, but it's definitely some more than others.) i'll ask her about getting electrolytes bloodwork done, too. i think that, at least, is important. an extreme imbalance in electrolytes = i will probably die of heart failure. not dying of heart failure would be preferred.

i'm tired again. i can only conclude that this must be the work of the eating disorder -- being this tired all the time i mean. oh well. i'll take my newly-prescribed seroquel soon and go to bed. but only when the internet cuts out. :)

i've been making icons, on livejournal and off (i like doing it better on lj, for some reason, even though it's the same thing). mostly of models and skinny people. i'm gonna post them to some other journals soon... i think they're really good. not trying to be a narcissist, but i do. i think there might be people who would like to have one of them. so i'll offer 'em up, and whatever people want to take they can feel free to take. because pretty, half-decently-made icons are the shit. and, actually, this kate icon i've got as my default was made with this "new" lj technique of mine. i like it.

umm. yeah. i don't have a whole lot more to write tonight. which isn't surprising, since i've spent, what, seven or eight hours of 24 actually awake? haha. anyway... later gatorz. if any gatorz actually read this. leave a comment if you read this entry, wouldja? it'd be nice to know if i have any readership at all outside my four "friends" -- even if you only came here by using the random feature.

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where i am: my room
i'm feeling: okay okay
my current organization of sounds: alanis morissette - all i really want

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high_on_ativan
just ate a caramel corn rice cake, drank half a glass of water. the roof of my mouth hurts now. it always does that when i eat semi-rough things lately... i'm not entirely sure why. i mean, it's not like i eat a lot of things, especially not those that damage me easily. so what gives? i have another full glass of water next to me, and i'm going to drink it all. part of my new plan, in this series of new plans i've been so cleverly trying to form and implement, includes a) not drinking ANY diet soda at all, and b) drinking a lot more water than i have been. admittedly, both of these things are a lot healthier for me. but the diet soda thing might be tricky, because i have become slightly addicted to diet pepsi as of late. but i suppose popping a caffeine pill in the morning would have the same effect, even if it doesn't taste as good.

i'm uploading this song "me and mia" to yousendit now, for the girls at proanorexia. yes, i am a member of that community, in a different journal. i love it there. everyone there is actively pursuing the eating disorder, and there is almost no hesitation about anything. people aren't like "wanna recover whine whine hate this disorder whine whine". they say things like, "i binged today. i'm such a pig. i have to get better at this!" or "i lost 7 pounds already on 2468... f**king awesome!". and i love that. i like having a place where i can unashamedly pursue my eating disorder, right to its gritty, death-filled core. i want to do it, and i will do it anyway; it just feels a lot better when i have so many people who are standing there right alongside me, doing all the things i do. i never liked feeling alone or lonely, and on this site i don't have to. and i don't see why i should be lonely when i don't have to be. fuck those people who are all "omg pro ana killz ppl!!111". anorexia nervosa kills people. pro-ana is just another manifestation of the disorder. so GET THE FUCK OVER IT, ASSWIPES.

okay. yeah. i'm done my rant. sorta, at least. who knows but that i may refer to it again. maybe maybe maybe.

my fingertips and toes are cold. but, given that i don't eat enough, this is really not surprising. and, actually, i kinda like it in mild doses. it reminds me that my eating disorder is still there. it reminds me that i am not gaining weight -- how can i be when i am showing a symptom of starvation? it is always delightful to me when i see blue toenails. "ah ha! i've still got it!" she crowed. and i love still having it. i do. i know, it's terrible. but i don't fucking care. at least i have SOMEthing.

i have a psychiatrist appointment tomorrow. because of the scheduling, i'll be missing my sociology class for the fourth time in a row. oh well. i really like the subject matter, and i actually do like the prof and her lectures, but i could give two shits if i go to class. i am just completely fucking apathetic about the whole thing. i do kind of enjoy going to psychology class, though... or i did when i had my laptop. hence, i will be taking it with me to school every day from now on. :)

all right. now i'm TOO warm. stupid heater that doesn't automagically adjust for me. it should, dammit. but standardly-input technology sucks. meh. i'm sure it'll happen someday, if someone decides that we need self-adjusting heat in the homes of commoners at some point. the rich folk, dey already gots it if dey wan' it. but i ain't no rich person, so i ain't got no bling, y'all dig??? (yeah. way to be black, you pasty white trash.)

gonna go turn off that damned heat and find something to do online. like... compulsively refresh proanorexia. yes. that should occupy me.

Tags: , , ,
where i am: room of too much warmth
i'm feeling: weird weird
my current organization of sounds: me and mia

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high_on_ativan
oh my. gotta go to the t soon. not really looking forward to it. not sure what i'm gonna say......

i was supposed to get in contact with my old t and see if i could set something up with her. however, she's sick right now. like, really sick. as in, sick leave for two weeks because her flu made her asthma go wacked. she's still got a week of the sick leave left, so this means i have at least one more week (this week) with the new t. i don't know what she's going to think about that, or do in today's session. i think she's finding me pretty impossible to work with, and i HATE that. the old t could always work with me on some level -- or at least, if she couldn't, she never said, "i don't know what the fuck to do with you today." i wonder if new t has any idea whatsoever how earth-shattering those words can be when said in practically every session (minus the curse words of course). like, every session being told you're hopeless and even the person who's supposed to know what the fuck to do doesn't know what to do with you. you're weird; you're tough; you're complex; you have defensive layers so high that it's a wonder you stay standing. but my old t managed to get past all that. now, not always, and not even for a full session -- but enough to get shit done. what do i do with a t who won't even try to penetrate that -- who will just sit there if i make no active attempt to break free of those walls? unfortunately, it isn't quite that easy for me. i shouldn't be having to make her trust ME... SHE should be making me trust HER enough for defenses to come down. but she isn't. she isn't.

god. i've got like five minutes left on my laptop before i have to pack up and leave to walk over to that bloody clinic to go to that bloody appointment. so what do i do? i don't know. i wish i could just run away and never face therapy again... but that's not how borderline girls get better. and if i don't get better, i die.

sometimes, though, i don't know if i'd just rather die out of it instead of trying so hard and so futilely. everywhere i go, it seems, someone wants to flatten me or trip me up or just turn my shoulders in a wrong direction. and i'm fucking sick of it. sick of the world. sick of this life. SOMEBODY let me out of this hell i'm stuck in, PLEASE?

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where i am: library computer lab at the university
i'm feeling: anxious anxious
my current organization of sounds: people talking, things printing, computers clicking

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high_on_ativan
around 270 calories so far today. not so bad, considering. you could probably round that number up to 300. it might be a bit more accurate. stupid little sisters who have birthday parties, thereby bringing an influx of completely unnecessary junk food into the house.

i'm gonna order a free book soon. my new multigrain cheerios package has a code, which i can enter and then pick one of 10 books at my leisure. ten bucks says all the books are gonna suck a little bit. but, hey... a free book is a free book. i will never turn down a free book that is even semi-decent.

i wonder when my order from some bible-thumping christian site is gonna come in. a week or two back i ordered veggie tales and a few health books from this website -- for free. i can't even remember the name of the website right now, let alone the instructions on how to get the free shit, but supposedly it works. it will take a longer time to ship because i'm in canada and not the states, so it could be another while before it gets here. i just hope the motherfuckers actually send the stuff. just because i didn't donate any money doesn't mean i don't want my shit, bitches!

i really have to stop eating so much junk food. i have to start my exercise thing again too. and now that i'm not doped up on sleep-making drugs, i have more initiative to do that. it's amazing how little you want to move, let alone get your exercise on, when you are still falling down randomly and have very little coordination or balance. today i woke up feeling fairly normal, though, so i think i can give mr. exercise a try. i really hope so. all this food i've eaten lately, and the fact that already today i had a mini chocolate bar and half a dozen candies at 25 cals each, makes me feel fat. and of course anytime i want i can grab onto the fat on my stomach, thighs, love handles, and jiggle it around like it's breakdancin. fat fat fat fat fat i am. fat i do not want to be. the only way to solve this problem is to eat as little as possible and exercise as much as possible without passing out from exhaustion.

i dropped one of my courses today too -- spanish. i like the language and all, but i can't really handle the class. it's too early in the morning and too interactive; besides, i already missed a quiz in it. and languages move pretty fast-paced, so the fact that i had by today at 11 am missed four classes did not bode well for my success. so i just dropped the damned thing. i still have sociology and psychology, which i have hopes that i can a) get to most of the time, and b) be able to study for even if i miss a few classes. i know there's that bonus work shit in sociology, but fuck that. honestly, i don't care. bonus work schmonus work. treating us like we're fucking 16 years old and she's trying to coax us into coming to class with a bribe. jesus. i'm not a hormonal adolescent anymore, you know!

wonder if i should get another glass of diet pepsi. or maybe a glass of water. or maybe just eat splenda in palmfuls for a little while. meh. i've got time to decide. all the time in the world. in fact, i've always got all the time in the world. so who the fuck cares. let the world go by -- i'll have fun watching it when i want to, and when i don't i can always doze on my army-standard hammock tied between two tall, strong deciduous trees in my front yard. who needs to be always "there" anyway? i take from the world what i like to take from it, and i see nothing wrong with that. you can call what i do "dissociation" or any other such bullshit term -- it all means the same thing. but i'm okay, and i want to do this, so no point in trying to "help me out". you'll only be poking and grunting at the girl with the ballcap over her head dressed in camoflague greens, taking the chance she might decide to open her eyes and bite you for being so annoying. and we all know how painful fangteeth digging into the tender skin of the back of our hands can be.

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where i am: my room. my messy, temperature-on-bust, canadian room.
i'm feeling: jaded
my current organization of sounds: some bullshit my sister has on upstairs

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high_on_ativan
got my finger diggin' into a packet of sweet n sour sauce from mcd's. really good. really salty, kinda hot. guess i'm just not used to the taste of salty, spicy things anymore. especially cause no one who eats normally would call sweet n sour sauce "spicy".

got 1 pill of 3 gone -- and, no, it's not the ativan. not yet. swallowed my lansoprazole; have yet to take my two caplets of venlafaxine. (yep, i'm making you suckers look it up if you really want to know what meds i take. unless you already know -- in which case you probably take similar meds.) i don't know why med taking can be so daunting... well, except for the fact that one of these venlafaxine capsules is a fucking HORSE pill. exactly the same size as a set of antibiotics i took once. no joke. i lined them up together and they were not a millimeter in the difference.

i'm still completely out of it from last night. when i walk around i kinda bang into walls and shit before i get to steady myself. i just took a dump, and when i got up to wipe my arse i fell against the sink next to the toilet. good thing it was there to catch me, i s'pose. i'm just fumbly and uncoordinated and apparently look like i'm stoned, say the good ol' parentals. they were trying to find out what drugs i did myself up on last night but i wasn't tellin'. about five and a half trazodones, about six and a half ativan, and 20mg of buspar is what it was. i knew the ativan and trazodone would interact and make the meds stronger anyway; had no real idea of the effect of the buspar, but figured it'd probably make drowsiness more intense, too. found out the real deal when i slept for about 16 hours or so, then woke up, falling all over the place and unable to focus my eyes on reading or anything. that part of it wasn't exactly fun. but, as you can see, i've gotten over my stumble with the written word enough to type shitty journal entries, so it's all good.

all right. venlafaxine... you WILL go down into my body. especially because i missed you yesterday. wouldn't want to have withdrawal effects, now, would we? no sir. those can be some pretty nasty bitches. so i'll take you, and then go find something healthy to eat -- and then after that maybe something stimulating to fight this fatigue that pulls at my chest (literally) trying to get me into bed. but i won't have that for another little while... no sir! i'm gonna make good use of my internet time while i've got it. as i'm sure most of you would if someone restricted your internet access at nights.

anyway, i'm gonna stop spewing crap and start working more on my layout customizations and shit like that. yeah. hasta luego.

Tags: , ,
where i am: canada
i'm feeling: groggy groggy
my current organization of sounds: nothin

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